Shadows of the Dark

Darkness is so... dark. I'm surprised by how dark it is really. But light. Light is so... piercing. It's not comfortable at first. People living in darkness run from the light. It hurts. It exposes. It requires a response. No longer are you covered by the shadowy cloak of darkness when you encounter the Light.

But Light. It attracts and it dispels. We want to be near it. It offers hope, newness, life. We come closer, allowing our eyes to adjust slowly. Then, maybe we take another step closer to the Light. As our eyes adjust, and our skin is exposed, we learn how rich this light is and we revel in the Light.

We are aware that darkness is out there. We ask the Light to take us into the darkness. We do this not because we are better, but because we know how dark darkness is. And we've experienced the Light. We've tasted His goodness. We know His protection. We want the same for those in darkness.

Light does not depend on us to shine, though it does shine in us as we belong to the Light. True Light is unbridled; not under our control. Just as we don't tell the sun when to rise, we cannot dictate what the Light does. We can only influence our response to it.

Outcomes

"She was 71. She had a mass pushing on her heart, and when she went into arrest in surgery they couldn't get her back."

My brother Joe shares his stories of life as a paramedic on an ambulance with me. I learn a little more each time he does. I learn about life, relationships, good, evil, free will, sin, salvation - because his stories intersect with God's story every time. He shows up when one of God's precious children is in the midst of a cry for help.

She was 71. She didn't make it. Her family reached out to share a message of thanks to the paramedic who played a role in her care. He had worked hard to restore her heart rhythm, even delivering her to the hospital with a steady beat. Her heart was under pressure. So much pressure, it would not withstand the rigor of the surgery that was designed to heal.

I told Joe, "Success is not defined by outcomes." He did his part well.

Joe is a great paramedic. God has gifted him. He has the ability to know when he's done well, and he can move forward to the next thing. I'm sure he thinks about his stories, but he's resilient. He always has been. I admire that.

I resonate with the few sentences at the end of this woman's story. A heart under pressure, struggling to find it's rhythm. I wonder, worry, and ask the Lord what will become of the next step in this journey my family is on. I hold my breath in anticipation of the next revelation of the Holy Spirit moving. I fret over whether I'm doing this well. And there He is, my Savior, whispering to me, "Success is not defined by outcomes." This life is His. The earthly outcomes that my eyes see... they are not the end. The success lies in the process of obedience, and ultimately in the promises of my Holy God.

I realize I have been in my own surgery; this cutting away of the mass pressing against my heart. Thank you Jesus for inviting me into this process of letting go.

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." HE CARES FOR YOU

Riding in the car with a hungry 2 year old is an adventure best left undone, except for today. Kyra was the kind of grumpy that kept her snapping at me and Ian both. We were both in the front seat, in her field of vision. She even told me to not talk to her until her Dad came home. Since he's out of town for a couple days, I'm pretty sure she'll recant that one. :) 

She was starting to really wear on me when she announced, "I'm going to sleep!!!" I responded with, "Well praise God Kyra!" Arms crossed, furrowed brow, and a firm reply from her, "I left Him at home. He's not working!" I don't know who is going to break the news to her that she really isn't in charge of the universe, but that was great fun. She gave the Lord the day off. 

Don't we all attempt that sometimes? To give the Lord the day off. Or at least the moment right? That ugly, fit throwing moment? I know I do. Thanks for the laugh and for the great lesson today, Kyra. I love you. 

The Priority of Frustration - and a Camera

I’m not usually one to fret over if the house is clean, or if everyone looks groomed and put together. That’s just not how I’m wired. But there are days... And then the Lord reminds me of this one simple thing - there are 8 lives being shaped in this home. I walked around today to see what was actually happening and decided to take my camera on the journey with me. 

Beyond the laundry and cluttered counters there’s a man working hard in his office to provide for his family with his son studying beside him. One boy is learning more details about verbs, while changing his attitude about English. Kenna is enjoying Isaac and making him laugh. Eli and Kyra are playing in the dark in the basement with flashlights. I guess those cluttered counters don’t really matter after all. And that laundry? I'll be danged if it won't be there tonight just a waiting. To everything a time is assigned... Today, it's relational gratitude. May I choose that everyday. 

What's That Smell?

Every family has to choose how carefully and closely we monitor certain aspects of raising our children. Sometimes we hold tight with conviction, sometimes we choose to become creative in our management style. So it goes in our home. 

Now don't get me wrong, I do hold tight with conviction that kids should bathe. They should shower or take a bath with the full goal of cleanliness in mind. In my home, however, I don't oversee this aspect of childrearing with a determined schedule. My oldest son showers every night. It's his routine, and he likes to feel refreshed before bed. One down, five to go. 

With the others, I have found that the power of connection covers a multitude of things. I cannot tell you on any given day when the last time the remaining five children were bathed. I don't pay attention and lend brain power to that. I've learned that if I am connected to my kids, the bathing will manage itself. For if this mama leans in to give you a kiss and a hug and there's an odor, you bathe. If you come out of the shower and I lean in to give you an attaboy or attagirl hug and encounter hair isn't fresh in a positive sense, you bathe again. 

Life does not have to be high stress. Let some things go. You'll be surprised what will take care of itself in the end. Just stay closely connected. Let that be the priority. 

The End. 

Vacuums and Flags

I stopped at the carwash to vacuum out my van. It's a 12 passenger and the things that hide in cracks would scare Jacob, so I try to get it done under the radar, even if it means doing so 10 days before baby is due. :) 

I pulled up to my favorite vacuum, the one with the best suction, and stepped out. Aaron, Eli, and Kenna picked up all of the trash for me. As they were working, I stood next to the van. There was a woman with her minivan doors slid open on the other side of the vacuum island. She too was cleaning out her vehicle. Her sweet little boy was neatly buckled in his seat watching his mama work. 

We visited about various things, mostly family. She came from a family of 7 children, and she had three children herself. Their ages were 6, 4, and 2. I praised her son for being so good to allow mama to work and just being so sweet in his seat. Meanwhile, Kyra was pulling on her carseat straps, anxious to join her siblings in the revelry of picking out the trash. This woman was kind and we had a lot in common. We laughed some, talked, and had an understanding that happens when your lives are so similar. But we were different. She was black. We were both finishing up, when something happened. 

He pulled in on the other side of my van. Jacked up Chevy pickup, baseball cap, jeans, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. On the back of his truck, he was proudly waving the confederate flag. I looked over at the woman next to me. I studied her reaction some. She looked up, took in the view in an intentional but not obvious way, and packed her van with a spirit that seemed more hurried. I sat in my driver seat and slowed our leaving down. I was not going to leave this woman alone. Not that this man had any ill will toward her. Honestly he didn't even seem to notice either one of us, and he may not have been racist at all. The representation of a stereotype was there though. I smiled at my friend and we waved as we both drove away, my van following hers out of the lot. 

I don't believe that the government should restrict the lessons taught about the Civil War. We shouldn't wash it down until it feels comfortable. It wasn't comfortable. I don't believe that we should restrict the right one has to fly the confederate or any other flag for that matter. 

I do think as people we should consider how our actions and exercising of our rights affect others. None of us operates in a vacuum.  I have a real problem with what I saw today. A woman, walking in fear, so that her fellow countryman could fly a flag on his pickup. For me, I'll willingly lay down my right to fly that flag, but don't let the government tell me I have to. That's not the role of government. 

1 John 3:16 "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." 

 Romans 14:19  "So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding."

Cheeseburgers and Billy Graham

We stopped to have lunch at Steak 'n' Shake after church. We arrived at the Mooresville location as a party of 8. We waited as is the custom for parties of 5 or more. At one point, the hostess said they were cleaning off two tables by the window, and we'd be seated as soon as it was done. Another young gal sat two different families at the two tables. We waited some more with 6 children.

After we were seated, we waited. Our waitress took about 15 minutes to make it to our table. During that time, we watched this young girl scurry about, clearly stressed about something, and moving with a timid gait at moments. That's when we saw her approach the table. The one where the family was seated with the matriarch and her furrowed brow, pursed lips, and intent to chew. Her words were not heard by us, but it was clear they were unkind. Her thoughts were not about the young girl who was serving their food. She had a problem, and someone was going to have it!

I turned to Jacob, sad for the waitress. She looked late teens to me. Turns out she was only 20. This unkind woman didn't stop at the table side lashing. She took her tromping, standing at the counter with a hand on her hip, family in tow to the front counter. The manager would hear from her again. See, he'd already been to the table with his employee.

Our waitress arrived at our table, apologizing half heartedly, looking a little like she could cry. I said to her, "Breathe. Remember, some people are just plain grumpy and don't enjoy life. That's not your problem." She smiled. We talked a few minutes quietly about her day, how she was feeling, and thanked her for being so sweet to come and take our order after a tough situation. We learned a lot about her during our short interactions. She visited our table often and was sweet to Kyra.

She was 20. Her mama died a year ago, taken by cancer. Her only sibling, a sister 10 years younger, went to live with her own father separating the girls. She said she does get to visit her sister a couple times a week and her face lit up. Our young waitress did not have any idea where her father might be. She had a grandmother. So young, so alone. My heart hurt for her.

She messed up a cheeseburger. The world "let her have it." But Jesus said no! He put in our heart to set aside our lunch to minister to this young girl. Jacob shared words with her as we were loading into the car. He placed a tip in her hand and hopefully a little light in her world. Jesus cares.

Billy Graham. How we will pray for Billy Graham who is 95 years old. This man ministered to millions of people and is the greatest evangelist of his time. He ministered in filled stadiums, in tent style revivals, through books, devotions, speaking engagements, one on one encounters, and I'm sure many more settings. Since we serve the same God, I can't help but know that the same power that thrives in Billy Graham, lives in us too. Even when your cheeseburger is wrong.

John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.